Standing in a Crowd.

Standing in a crowd full of strangers. People I didn’t know, some I wanted to get to know and others I just didn’t really care for. I looked at everyone and wondered where they came from, I wondered who they missed and I wondered what they were sorry for.

Who were they thinking of? Why were their hearts breaking? Do they remember the name of their childhood best friend? What was it like growing up in their home? Did they sit in the back seat of their mom’s van staring at others in cars wondering what their lives were like? What did they dream of at night? What did they want in this life?

Standing in a crowd full of people. People who have all felt joy, sadness, pain and anger. People who have fallen in love and people who have had to crawl out of love. People who try their hardest everyday just to get by. I looked at everyone and felt everything and nothing all at once. People are often more similar than we think, and yet we always feel alone.

Who did they want to be? What did they think of themselves? Were they proud of their accomplishments or were they afraid of seeing their reflection? What were their goals? What did they hope for? What were they afraid of? What were they waiting for?

Kelly Meighan Photography

Standing in a crowd full of everyone I have ever come in contact with. Wow. With all of these memories surrounding me like a tornado, I wait. Sometimes standing in a crowd can make you feel like you’re suffocating. It can make you feel anxious and terrified. Sometimes standing in a crowd can make you feel excited. It can make you feel tranquil and joyful. I try to make sense of it all, all of the memories and all of the connections, but maybe, just maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe it’s time to start living in acceptance of what things are and what they will be.

Standing in a crowd, I am okay. It will be okay.

 

I can’t blame you.

I can’t blame you for my broken heart. Although I would absolutely LOVE to blame you, I can’t. I can’t do that because it isn’t your fault, entirely.

I need to stop trying to change people that don’t want to change. I need to stop giving chances to people who abuse my forgiveness. I need to stop walking back to the place where my heart ran from. I need to stop trusting words, and ignoring actions. I need to stop giving my all to people who give me nothing. I need to stop fighting for a relationship when I’m standing in the ring alone. I need to stop breaking my own heart. 

I need to stop breaking my own heart, because I am not sure how much more it can take.

I’m taking responsibility for myself.  & by taking responsibility for myself I mean that I am removing myself from people and situations that I know, deep down, were only going to continue to hurt me in the long run.

Friends, if this post tugged on something inside of you, I want to encourage you to listen to your “gut” (intuition). Listen to it and take a moment and feel what you are feeling. Only you know how you feel. Only you.

Your purpose in life is NOT to sit around waiting or begging for people to treat you right, to care about you or to love you. Screw them. You deserve better and there will be better people out there for you. Your tribe is out there. I am slowly, but surely, finding my tribe. I know it is scary and I know that sometimes the comfortability feels better than the unknown. I get it. Trust your journey.

Holding onto letting go is the hardest part. All those empty promises and the actions that spoke louder than words…I can’t blame you for not ever being the person I thought you were. I can’t blame you for not living up to the potential that I once saw in you. Those were my expectations and now they are my disappointments. I can’t blame you, I blame myself for holding onto something that wasn’t real, for holding onto something that was breaking my heart.