I wasn’t ready for that.

Throughout your years and years of education you learn numbers and letters, colors and patterns, shapes and sizes, etc.

BUT – what they don’t teach you are the essentials to living itself -> life lessons, heartbreaks, death, trauma, coping mechanisms, how to identify your toxic behaviors…they don’t teach you these things when you’re young. Some don’t even learn these things as an adult.

You don’t learn how you are supposed to go on with life while grieving a “living death”. When someone who once was your world is no longer a part of your everyday.

They don’t teach you how to handle your triggers when you’re terrified and freaking out. They don’t explain breathing exercises and how to retrain your brain and heal from those things that caused your trigger.

You don’t know what to do when you are experiencing PTSD. Other than the shaking, constant flashbacks, the things you feel – but aren’t there and the hyperventilating. You don’t know what to do so you curl up and have a meltdown and hope it goes away.

They don’t teach you how to manage being bedridden because of your depressive episodes. They don’t explain how it is okay to take time to rest and reassure you that it will be okay, even if your room looks like a tornado went through it.

You don’t automatically know how to breathe amidst a panic attack. You don’t know that you need to talk yourself through every little gasp of breath while tears are streaming down your face.

I wasn’t ready for that. For any of that & quite honestly, I am still trying to learn.

But, here I am and I am so damn proud of myself. Some people never experience or learn the things that I have learned in my 26 years and quite honestly, that is so sad.

Some don’t think that they need to “grow” or heal the hurt inside of them. If that’s you, please reconsider. It’s a whole new world over here. It will not be easy, but you will thank YOURSELF later. Trust me.

I am sending you my loves. Thanks for reading.

your sweater on the floor

I folded the box, grabbed the tape and taped the bottom shut. I moved some stuff out of the way so I could sort the DVD’s. A little box fell and I picked it up. It was our date night box. I opened it and started to cry. I saw the movie Wall-E that you tried to get me to watch for years and I started to cry. I still haven’t watched it.

I had to go into the bedroom and sit on the bed. Everything was just too much. Too overwhelming. I couldn’t breathe.

Mini meltdown here I come!

You moved out. Almost 3 months after we separated. You were gone.

I was sorting the laundry and you had left some socks. I was putting away dishes and you had left some of your mugs. I cleaned out the top shelf in the cabinet and there it was, the teacup set you had custom made for me…I fell onto the floor and laid there crying. I went to grab the hammer and tape measure in the garage and you had taken the toolbox. Your duffel bag and backpack that were hanging up in the garage were gone. Everything was just gone. My best friend of 10 years was just…gone.

The cats were cuddling and being all cute, I called your name and you weren’t there to come see them. I woke up and rolled over in bed because I had a nightmare and your side was empty. Something happened at work today and I went to text you and tell you all about it and I had to stop myself. I almost forwarded you the picture of my niece at school today and I immediately deleted the message.

This is for the best. I know it is and I know it will get easier.

You and I have been happier and healthier. & We BOTH deserve it. It’s good to see you smile again.

But if we are being honest here, this fucking sucks.

Major changes in anyone’s life can and will be scary. It’s expected. 10 years just came and went, but you and I will always be family and I know that we will always love & care for each other.

Disclaimer: Yes, I have been extremely happy & Yes, I am allowed to still be grieving and hurting and sad. I can be both happy & sad at the same time.  Him & I can be both.

To anyone who has or is currently going through a divorce – whatever the circumstances might be – please know that you are not alone and EVERY LITTLE THING that you are feeling is valid. Feel it through and through. The only way to get through it is to face it head on, even though we may not want to. Even though we may be terrified. It’ll be okay. Embrace change. Embrace who you are and how you feel. It is more than okay.

Sending my love your way.

Some of my Favorite Products from Amazon

Alright everyone, prepare yourself for a very long list of some of my favorite products from Amazon!

I recently became an affiliate with Amazon and your support would mean the WORLD to me! You can go ahead and click on the title of the product and it will take you directly to that item!

Add to cart and Purchase! It really is that easy!

Beauty:

Aztec Secret Healing Clay Mask

This mask is one of the absolute best ones that I have found! I use equal parts of clay and ACV & leave it on for about 15 mins – then I use a washcloth and warm water to remove.

Thayers Witch Hazel Astringent

After I wash my face, I put some of this toner on a cotton round and wipe my entire face and neck to remove any excess dirt and oils.

Egyptian Magic

Okay, so this is like a holy grail…it is an ALL PURPOSE skin cream. You put some in your hands and rub your hands together until it forms into an oil (helps with absorption) and then apply! I use it as a lip balm, on my entire face, hands, rough skin areas, hair treatment, eye cream, scar treatment, etc. It is also great for eczema, skin irritations and redness, burn and wound relief.

Grande Lips – Hydrating Lip Plumper

I love this stuff! You don’t even need to take my word for it, just check out before and after pictures!

Wet Brush Pro Epic Quick Dry Hair Brush

This is probably the best brush I have ever used! You need one at home and one on the go!

AMIKA The Wizard Detangling Primer

I LOOOOVE this product and the smell of it is a huge bonus! I use it after my shower, in the morning, before I style my hair, etc. It is a great detangler AND primer for your hair and I also like to think of it as a perfume for my hair because it smells so amazing.

Matcha Eye Masks

So I’ve tried multiple eye masks and these are by far my favorite – & they actually work! I like to keep mine in the fridge. These are very hydrating – I leave mine on for about 15-30 mins depending on my schedule. When you remove them you can see and feel that the masks are thinner because the product was actually absorbed into your skin. They help with aging, reducing puffiness and dark circles.

---

Fashion:

Sojos Sunglasses

I am so glad I found this brand of sunglasses! They literally have a style for everyone! These are my absolute favorite though – I have them in more than one color!

Fashionable Leather Backpack

I literally take this bag with me everywhere. The straps are comfortable, the inside of the bag is spacious and it is easy to stay organized! The durability ceases to amaze me with such an inexpensive  and fashionable bag!

Key Ring Wristlet

If you haven’t heard of these, seen them or purchased one…I am sorry! This is a lifesaver!

High-Waisted Leopard Bathing Suit

Very flattering and comfortable bathing suit! Love the pattern and bright colors!

Bandeau High-Waisted Cheetah Print Bathing Suit

I have this in multiple colors – I love it so much. The material and fit are super comfortable and it is very flattering for every body type!

Why Be Racist Sexist Homophobic or Transphobic Shirt

One of my favorite conversation starter t-shirts. The fit and quality of this shirt are amazing! Better than expected.

UGG Womens Bailey Button Triplet II Boot

I mean…do I need to say anything at all? UGG boots are where its at.

Black Ultra Lightweight Knitted Non Slip Womens Shoes

These athletic shoes have been great for daily wear, working out, travel and yard work! Not to mention they are super stylish! I highly recommend them.

---

Home:

Everlasting Comfort Faux Fur Throw

This blanket is literally everything I could have ever imagined and more. I honestly thought that it was just another throw blanket to have around the house…until I received it in the mail. It is incredibly soft, silky, cozy, warm and lightweight. I have severe anxiety and this blanket is calming to me. It is my new favorite.

Mean Girls Magnets

I mean…do you even go here? Of course I have these magnets & honestly, you need them too.

Grey and White Brick Peel & Stick Wallpaper

If you haven’t seen it already – I did an accent wall in my bedroom about a year ago and it is seriously the best thing to come home to. It was simple to install and the finish is amazing!

Macrame Plant Hanger

I need about 7 more of these bad boys in my house! It was so easy to hang up and it is very durable. It really does add something special to my house decor. (Flower print is from Arielle Vey).

Super Soft Faux Sheepskin Fur Area Rug

Okay, I have a couple of these. I love faux fur – apparently – so I need it to be everywhere! These area rugs are so soft and easy to clean! I just throw it in the washer and let it air dry.

3 in 1 Wireless Charging Stand Apple Watch Charger for Apple Watch and iPhone Airpod

This is a lifesaver! I am able to charge 3 items without 3 separate cords!

Fire TV Stick

Wait, do you not have one of these? If you don’t click on it and buy one! I don’t know why you’re waiting.

Pillow Inserts & Luxury Faux Fur Throw Pillow Covers

Here we are with the faux fur again. I love these throw pillows! I have some on my bed and on my couch!

Motivational Gallon Water Bottle

It has motivation on the bottle and time stamps so you can get your water intake each day! How amazing is that?!

---

Pets:

Cheetah Dog Collar

I LOVE this collar for Abby! & they just came out with the matching leash! (They didn’t have it at the time I purchased the collar).

Top Entry Cat Litter Box

This is so easy to clean and the top entry makes it impossible for my dog to try and sneak in there for a snack! Haha!

4-in-1 Interactive Cat Toy

My cats will play with this non-stop. Might need to add a few around the house!

Milk-Bone Dog Treats

This big box of dog treats will last you forever and a day!

Jiminy’s Cricket Dog Treats

These treats are SUPER healthy for your pups! Abby loves them.

Dog Nail Clippers

These nail clippers make it so easy to cut my dogs nails – quickly and efficiently!

Burt’s Bees for Dogs All-Natural Paw & Nose Lotion with Rosemary & Olive Oil

I am obsessed with Burt’s Bees products – Especially for my pup! I put these on her after her baths!

Folex Instant Carpet Spot Remover  

If you have pets that sometimes hate you and decide to use your rugs as a bathroom…then you need this! Or if you are clumsy and spill a lot. This carpet spot remover is a miracle in a bottle.

---

NOW – Please send me your favorite Amazon items so I can try them out!

I can’t wait to see what you pick!

 

So weird, right?

This whole pandemic thing that has recently consumed every bit of our lives has been a TRIP! Like what is even happening? Right?

I’ve been worried – Just like everyone else. My hours at work got cut in half. Unemployment decided that I only need $40 – Because that makes total sense? Thanks for nothing.

Anyway, I have been freaking out. How will I pay my bills? What about my rent? What is going to happen next? Can I have my full time job back? Is this thing over yet?

YOOOO. Work is back to full time & Thanks to COVID-19 I was financially okay after all.

My hands are crazy dry from all of the constant cleaning and super washing my hands. I mean, it’s a good thing. I love cleaning – but really. Am I going to be okay? Are my loved ones going to be okay? We have to be so careful and so mindful of everyone and everything these days. *which is a good thing**again*

I’ve used FaceTime, Zoom, and other methods of telecommunication more the past 2 months than I ever have in my LIFE. Like I haven’t even met my new Therapist in person. We have video meetings! So weird, right?

My goodness. We never realize how much we interact and touch and share things without a worry until something like this happens and everything comes to a HALT.

The loneliness and fear start to creep in here and there and I think of all of the “What If” possibilities. But today, FINALLY, I stopped myself and that little voice in my head came back and said, “Don’t you remember how big your God is?” Like…OH, DUH!

Everything will be okay. It might not be right now and we might not see the finish line at the moment, but it is there and that is where we are headed! We got this, fam.

Fuck.

I’m sure the title caught your eye and maybe even your interest since you are reading this. I was going to change the title and then I decided NAH. Here we go.

6 1/2 days of little to no food. Quite a few xanax. Some bottles of tequila. Caffeine. A little water.

I got home and started to clean. I smoked. I grabbed a drink. What was I doing to myself?

I could barley breathe. My stomach was killing me. I felt like I was going to throw up. I almost fainted. I caught myself. Took a sip. It’s going to be okay.

My body was responding to everything all at once and I knew that I wasn’t being smart. I knew that I needed to take care of my body, but I couldn’t.

I was feeling too much and then I was numb as fuck. I was so overwhelmed. The most overwhelmed I think I have been in YEARS, if not EVER.

I know deep down that everything will be okay and that everything will work out but, damn.

Right here, in this moment, in this season of my life…I was not okay.

So then I was fine, right, like after a month or so, I was fine.

And then I went on a few amazing trips, but after I got back from the last one, I went into a deep depression. It had been a minute since I had been in that place. I didn’t understand it. Everything was great. I’ve been so happy – I’ve never felt this way before. But here I was still depressed.

We don’t have control over when our mental illnesses spring up – but we do have control over how we deal with them when they come. Be gentle with yourself.

I felt it coming and it was a strong one. I did everything that I could to get ahead of it so I wouldn’t get stuck…but that doesn’t always work. I was productive and I did things that made me feel good, things that made me happy. It didn’t matter – I mean, it might’ve mattered a little, but it did not feel that way.

My body was so heavy, my brain went blank, I had not cried in months…It was easier to tell people I wasn’t feeling good than try to explain what depression is to them.

I was at work on a Thursday and I stared at my computer screen. I couldn’t even lift my hands to type. I couldn’t even bring myself to sort through paperwork. I was so fucking depressed. I felt trapped. I wanted to scream. Thankfully my workplace loves me and cares about me – They didn’t need an explanation – they just knew I needed to go. I was able to go home early and take care of ME.

**If someone has never personally experienced depression or known someone with depression, they won’t understand it. There is no way for them to fully comprehend how crippling it is and how much you CANNOT just snap out of it.**

I’ve been fighting like hell to get through it because I know that I will come up out of it. I’ve gone through this many times before. But, with everything that has been happening in my life this past year, I decided I needed extra help, I needed to find a therapist. So that is what I did and I just started a couple weeks ago.

Therapy is amazing and I am excited to be starting again. It can be hard, really hard, but it is SO worth it. Invest in YOU.

I hope this encourages you to get some help if you need it. You just need to take that first step in admitting to yourself that you are in need of help.

Are you?

Everyone has become so accustomed to asking the usual questions. How are you? How was your day? – But they don’t care. It’s not genuine, anyway. It’s word vomit to me. They think it’s okay to ask – you know…the social norm. They’ve been conditioned to ask those questions. They might not even be aware that they are doing it because it’s the first thing that comes out of their mouth.

If you don’t really care, DON’T ask.

How are you? How was your day? How are your pets/kids? How is your family doing? Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? When are you getting married? Are you going to have children? How many? When? Why?

Everyone always asks questions, but they simply don’t matter.

This is what I mean – Everyone always asks the wrong questions. Some think that by having all of these “things” then you’ll be doing life “right” – they think that all those things are the things that will make you “happy”.

But the question that should really be asked is are you happy? Just you. Because honestly, that is what really matters. I am sorry if no one has ever asked you this. I’d like for you to stop and take a moment and ask yourself. Are you happy? Truly happy? If your answer is no, then change it. Believe that you CAN be happy and that you deserve it – because you do.

I know quite a few people who have gotten into relationships, gotten engaged, gotten married and had children, moved out of the country, stayed at a dead end job for 10+ years, etc. and some of these people – not all – put on a show for everyone that they are happy and everything is perfect; when it is so far from the truth. They are straight up NOT having a good time, bro. 

I never want to be like that. Ever. I feel sorry for those people.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t put on a show for anyone because that is NO way to live and I don’t owe anyone, anything – Not even a fake happily ever after with the wrong person.

You have this one life. Why in the world would you want to waste it by pretending to be happy in a relationship, job, family, state/country, etc. that you truly are miserable in?

Don’t do that to yourself or to others. You deserve so much more. You really do.

Don’t waste anymore of your time. GO NOW. Start taking those steps towards your happiness. Towards the rest of your life.

Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? HELL YES.

Follow your gut. Follow your heart. If it is telling you to leave, then LEAVE. GET OUT. Nothing can hold you back…unless it’s you. And that is the sad truth. We are always the only ones holding us back when we actually believe that it’s others who are holding us back. We make excuses and it’s getting old. YOU are getting old.

Don’t wait. You don’t have forever.

I love you LOTS & I care about your happiness & you should too.

Empty Journals

I got a journal for my birthday gift. I got a journal from my best friends mom. I got a journal on sale at Target. I got a journal for Christmas. I got a journal or a few, you could say.

They sat there in boxes, on my bookshelf, by my bed side…empty.

All these empty journals just stayed empty.

Maybe I was afraid to open and see the blank pages staring back at me. Maybe I was afraid to write down the feelings that consumed me. Maybe I was afraid of the truth, I was afraid of my truth.

Okay, honestly…I was afraid to sit alone with myself. To hear my thoughts and my deepest darkest desires. I thought that maybe if I ignored them and pushed them away, they would be no more. They would go away and I wouldn’t have to face them. I wouldn’t have to be “brave” and deal with all of them.

No. They got louder and louder and LOUDER.

I didn’t want to hear the voices in my head. They were speaking obscenities. I wanted them to stop, I needed them to stop. I then realized that the only way was to start writing; I needed to fill these empty journals with everything that was consuming me.

The thoughts, the words, the dreams, and the flashbacks…they were now on paper and I couldn’t take them back. These were the things that I needed to get out; I need to see them, to feel them through and through. This empty heart needed to be filled, I needed honesty and stability. I needed to be honest with myself in order to be honest with others. I think we all deserved that.

Are you afraid to be honest with yourself? Do you know what I am talking about? You know, you have that little voice in your head that is telling you that you’re okay — you’re happy, you are still in love, you’ll feel it again, you have so much fun hanging out with them, you love not talking to anyone, you’re okay not being included, you love yourself completely, you’re doing your best???

Are you? Afraid?

Yeah, same here.

Feeling is Healing

This post, like all my others, is all over the place. (Just like my brain – these are my thoughts).

Some people are completely numb to their feelings. Some just don’t care. Some feel things here and there depending on the circumstances. Some feel things so deeply in a way some will never understand. That is okay.

Friends, if you’re anything like me, you feel everything so deeply, you let yourself feel and that is such a brave and beautiful thing. You feel others pain on top of your own. Empath. That’s what they call us.

Someone said something to me last weekend after I shared something with them. They said, “Wow. You are an empath. Like a real one. You don’t have a choice.” Someone else saw it. Recognized it. Validated it. (Not that i needed it to be validated, but you get it). It’s true.

It’s easier to isolate yourself in your feelings than it is to articulate what you are actually feeling and to actually sit there and feel through it all. (Rather than ignoring it – like most of us do).

My therapist was handpicked by God, just for ME. There is absolutely NO doubt about that and I am SO grateful. Most of the time everything that is going on with me comes out like word vomit and she knows just how to help me make sense of it all. I haven’t seen her in awhile, a long while, but it’s time to go back – things have been crazy in my mind, body & soul. Life has been crazy.

Leave your comfort zone.

The season I am currently in, is a testing one, but definitely one of growth.

I’ve never been more in tune with my feelings, my thought processes, my actions, my triggers, my coping mechanisms (healthy & unhealthy) and just myself in general.

A big part of my anxiety stems from me feeling unsafe…which stems from something else in my past, but we won’t go there right now. So for me, staying in my comfort zone is essential to me being “okay”…to me being “safe”. But I know now that I’ll be okay if I step out. It will be okay.

“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” – Abraham Maslow

A big thing for me has been knowing that I want to feel the growth more than I feel my fears.

Your largest fear carries your greatest growth.

I won’t make this post SUPER long (even though it kind of already is)…but I did want to encourage you to heal yourself and grow. Don’t stay cemented in your old patterns, hurts, coping mechanisms, etc. Recognize what you’re feeling, try and pin point where it came from and allow yourself to feel it.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO SIT IN WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND FEEL IT.

I know it’s difficult. It’s uncomfortable. It’s terrifying.

Feeling is healing.

You can do this. Trust me, it is SO worth it.

 

You have 10 seconds to get out.

The “What if” list is endless, but the endings are all the same. I would’ve died.

Terrified.

He was honking and yelling. He was pointing at my car.

Normally I would ignore someone like that, my gut said otherwise.

“You’re on Fire! You’re on Fire! You’re on Fire!”

Oh my God, help me.

I couldn’t breathe. I pulled over. Put the car in park. I grabbed my cell phone. I grabbed my purse. I turned the car off. I don’t even remember opening the door. I ran.

I ran as fast as I could. I couldn’t see anything. I don’t remember it.

I got to the barrier and climbed over it. Placed my bag near a bush and started to stumble onto the ground. I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t see anything else.

I turned around and there it was.

I called 911.

That man had parked and was also on the phone with 911, he was walking towards me. I literally can still see his face, his eyes. He was literally an Angel. He made sure I was okay. He stayed with me. He helped me focus. I was so out of it.

What just happened? 

The Fire Department and the CHP officer arrived. They started to put the fire out and I just watched. Was this seriously happening?

Scared. So unbelievably scared. I couldn’t think at all. 

“Was anyone else in the car with you? Ma’am?”

“What…No, no. Just me.”

What if I had others with me in the car, my animals, my husband, my niece, I just couldn’t even imagine.

I was shaking, still. 

They extinguished the fire before it covered the trunk completely. They started to pull my things out from the trunk – everything that was inside of the car was ash now. Once they finished I walked over to my belongings to see if anything was salvageable.

Seeing all of it covered in layers of just BLACK ash, I cried. I was able to grab a few of those sentimental items, but not all. The memories attached with everything is what saddened me the most, I think. I put the black gloves on and grabbed a few things and started to put them into a bio-hazard trash bag.

Looking at it all once the fire was out hit me really hard. Everything was gone. But, my life could have been gone. Wow. God literally had his hands over everything. I normally never wear shoes when I drive, I was wearing shoes that morning. I never listen to random people honking at me (No, it doesn’t happen too often) but I listened that day. I never drive in the slow lane, I was in the slow lane.

My brain obviously wasn’t working because I didn’t even call my family. I called my boss to let him know I would be late. HAHA. WHAT. My coworker picked me up and took me to work.

I guess I just needed to feel some normalcy, some routine because there was NO WAY that that all just happened.

It’s okay, I am okay.

My sister picked me up and took me out to lunch and then life went on, basically.

I’m waiting. I’m waiting for God to help me with the PTSD. I’m waiting for the nightmares to stop. I’m waiting for someone to wake me up – there is no way this really happened & I made it out alive.

Being in a car is absolutely terrifying to me now. I’m constantly freaking out. Grabbing my purse and making sure I know where everything is. Sniffing around for the smell of gas. Looking around at the other cars to make sure they aren’t trying to tell me something. Making an escape plan.

I’m eating dinner and it’s on replay in my head. Things are coming back to me & I drop my fork and grab my head. Bursting into tears, shaking uncontrollably. I’m terrified, again.

I remind myself OVER AND OVER again, I am safe. I am okay.

I’m alive & well. For the most part. I’m thankful to be alive. Looking back, every little thing, God had his hand on. It doesn’t make any sense otherwise.

I’m here for a reason. My purpose is HUGE & yours is too. Life is short. You never know what’s going to happen. Enjoy the little things. Live in the moment. Check on your loved ones. Smile at strangers. Compliment your cashiers. Love and love LOUD.

I am so blessed with my friends & family that have been so helpful throughout this past month. [It’s already been 1 month. WOW.] Everyone that reached out to me, prayed for & with me, loved on me, donated items, sent me gifts, etc. You all have helped me so much more than you’ll ever know. My sanity is a little better thanks to you.

A few days ago, I finally drove on the 15-N for the first time since the fire. I was afraid to drive past that spot where my car burned down. BUT, I DID IT! I still get paranoid here and there, but I am doing MUCH better than I was. Thank you, again.

 

People Leave.

It seems as if all heartbreak is the same, feels like death. But, it’s not always the same. Some hurt way more than others.

I’ve been dealing with quite a bit of heartbreak lately. It has been difficult to go every day without having a complete meltdown. But, I am getting through it.

Awhile back, I decided to no longer post pictures with others on my Instagram – people leave. It is literally just a social media app, but it’s an app where I can look back at some of my memories in this crazy life and smile. So I enjoy it from time to time. I didn’t want to look back and feel that pain of them leaving, again.

People leave. I didn’t want reminders of them after they had broken my heart. I wanted them gone and erased from my memories.

While it’s easy to erase a picture of someone from your phone. Unfortunately, it’s a huge battle to erase them from your mind. All of those memories, laughs, tears, adventures…all of it seems as if it’s stuck in your brain.

I wish it were easier. But, that’s not how life works.

People leave. People that you just met, people you’ve know forever, family, husbands/wives, friends that you’ve known since childhood, boyfriends/girlfriends, best friends, children, people that you thought would be by your side for the rest of your life, etc. They leave.

The only thing you can do is let them go & wish them well.

So let them leave. Why would you want to keep someone around who doesn’t want to be there? Because you love them? Yeah, me too.

Stop holding onto letting go. It’s only hurting you. Keep your head held high. Feel what needs to be felt and move forward. Laugh without fear of the future. (This is all easier said than done, trust me, I know).

You’re going to be okay.