I’ve been there.

I’ve been a lot of places. Physically, emotionally, but most of all, mentally.

The places I’ve been mentally, make me physically sick. From migraines, laying in bed all day, sleeping constantly, insomnia, not being able to speak, being sick to my stomach, to throwing up. You name it. I’ve been there. Maybe you have too. Maybe not.

If you got out of bed today, I am proud of you. I know how difficult that can be…especially when you’re dealing with major depression. I’ve been there.

If you ate something today, I am proud of you…especially when you haven’t eaten in a couple days. I’ve been there.

If you spoke at all today and even if you had a conversation with someone today, I am proud of you…especially when you feel so shut down & defeated that you can’t even think of a single word. I’ve been there.

Just keep going. Sometimes, that is all you can do. You’ve got to keep fighting this fight. Sometimes, the hardest step, is taking a step.

We just need to remember to take care of ourselves, especially when it is so hard to do so.

Self care is not just bubble baths, glasses of wine while watching Netflix, it’s not just buying a new summer dress, getting your nails done, it’s not. Self care is waking up & getting out of bed. It’s going to work & making it to your lunch break. Self care is whatever makes you feel even just a little accomplished. Self care is so imperative, friends.

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Kelly Meighan Photography

Depression is hard. Anxiety is hard. Most people blame those dealing with it and say that if someone needed help, they should reach out. Maybe that would work for you, but not most of us fighting these demons. You can agree with me or disagree with me, either way this is my blog.

There are days where I cannot get out of bed, days I go without eating, days I shut my loved ones out, days I miss family get togethers & days I just don’t care. Sometimes people check in with me and sometimes they don’t. But, I can’t always depend on others to make sure I am doing okay, I need to look after myself as well.

My best friend continually tells me to call her when I start to go into a downward spiral…but most of the time, I just can’t. Some days, I feel okay letting a friend know how I am feeling and that I need their support. Some days, that just isn’t something that would happen. It’s either something that I don’t think about or something I don’t want to burden others with. I’m sure some of you can relate. *If they love you, you are NOT a burden.*

So here it is. Stop telling people they have to reach out. Stop saying that if they would have just reached out to you, you would have been there for them. Be there for them anyway. Check on your friends. Check on your loved ones. Be real. Be honest. Be open.

It’s okay to share what you’re going through with your close loved ones, if you feel comfortable doing so. You are not alone. So many people are going through a similar struggle. While yes, there is a mental illness stigma that has plagued our society, there is also support.

I’ve been there. On both sides of that deep canyon and at the bottom of it. I understand.

Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, etc…they are not simple. There is not a quick fix for them. They cannot be broken down by a Facebook post with the suicide hotline number, a night out with friends who make you laugh until you cry, a lunch date with your grade school best friend…

Just be a friend & be a good one.

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Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye to someone you never thought you would say goodbye to has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Saying goodbye to all of the memories that will be in the back of my mind forever.

Saying goodbye to all of the adventures we went on.

Saying goodbye to the years and years of when it was just us.

Saying goodbye to all of the conversations, tears, and laughter we shared together.

Saying goodbye to all of the times we were inseparable.

Saying goodbye to all of our inside jokes & the songs we made together.

Saying goodbye to your smile, your laugh and everything that you are.

I could go back to every time we laughed until we couldn’t breathe…but I don’t want to go there anymore. I can’t.

You will always be my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye.

Saying goodbye to you feels like hearing every goodbye ever said to me…suffocating me all at once.

Someone told me that it sounded as if I were talking about someone that died, I told them that was exactly what it felt like…

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Bad taste in your mouth?

Has someone ever left a bad taste in your mouth? More than likely, yes. Here is the real question…have YOU ever left a bad taste in someone’s mouth? Most definitely, don’t even lie right now.

It happens.

Regardless of when it was, that “taste” is what remains in their mouths…because they allow it to. Vice versa. Unfortunately.

Time may go on, but sometimes people don’t move forward. They keep chewing on that same piece of gum from forever ago. Gross, right? This isn’t Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and you are not Violet Beauregarde, so throw it away.


You may be a different “flavor” now, but for those that you left a bad “taste” in their mouths…they won’t know that. All they have to go off of was what you were, what you said, what you did and how you handled whatever it was at that point in your life.

We have all done things that maybe we aren’t proud of. Things that others use to define us. Things that sometimes we wish we hadn’t. Things that now seem as if it were common sense to NOT do, but we did it anyway for whatever reason we had at the time in our lives. That is okay.


Forgive yourself. Forgive others for YOURSELF. Forgive.

“You have screwed up in the past. You will screw up again. Dragging around guilt and self-criticism is beyond unhealthy and is utterly pointless, not to mention boring. Guilt, shame, and self-criticism are some of the most destructive forces in your life, which is why forgiving yourself is one of the most powerful. You aren’t a better person for feeling guilty or bad about yourself, just a sadder one.” -Jen Sincero

So my dear, whatever “flavor” you are now, be a tasteful one. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are the same person that you used to be. Don’t let anyone add burnt peanuts and stale marshmallows on your freshly scooped sundae. It is your sundae and yours alone. Add some rainbow sprinkles & some chocolate syrup, some coconut & white chocolate chips…whatever makes YOU happy.

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You are allowed to change. You are allowed to start over. You are allowed to have a different “flavor” than before. –> While I say this, I also want you to realize that this means that others are allowed to change. Others are allowed to start over. Others are allowed to have a different “flavor” than the one they left you with.

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Bro/<en Pieces.

One of the most beneficial things that you can do for yourself….is to make peace with your broken pieces.

Let me say that again for those of you who didn’t hear me, MAKE peace with YOUR broken pieces. In case anyone is confused by this, let me reiterate. Another persons brokenness is theirs, not yours. If someone has laid down their hurts, pains, mistakes, confusion…their broken pieces, you have no right to dig for it and throw it back in their face. If they have made peace with their past, present, future, etc. then leave it alone. That is their business. Who do you think you are?

Scratch that. I don’t care. Just leave it alone. “If it’s not yours, don’t touch it.”

When I heard that saying, make peace with your broken pieces, I realized that I had been allowing others to take bits of MY broken pieces and throw them back at me. Pieces from this morning, from yesterday, from a year ago, and so on. I allowed this to happen again and again because I hadn’t really made peace with it all. I hadn’t made peace with my decisions, my mistakes, my past, etc. So I let others bring them up time and time again. I allowed them to hurt me over and over. I wish I hadn’t. I know better now.

So let me say this…regardless if I had “made peace” with it all or not, all those broken pieces are MINE. They are not anyone else’s and no one else has any right to them. Let me worry about me & you worry about you.

With that being said…My dear, stop trying to fix everyone else’s brokenness, it’s not your job and you do not deserve to have that weight on your shoulders. & stop trying to pick up your broken pieces from yesterday, make peace with them & leave them there.

Remember, that as long as you have made peace within yourself, no one can say anything to you about it. But, when they do, because they will, brush it off and hold your head high. It is over and done with and you can move forward, they can stay behind.

It is your life. Your decisions. Your mistakes. Your heart. Your broken pieces. Your peace.

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Just don’t look into my eyes.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Just don’t look into my eyes.”

I feel like looking into someone’s eyes is so intimate & honestly, it terrifies me.

If you know me, and have known me for awhile, I am sure you have noticed at some point or another that I rarely ever look people in the eyes and if I do, it is not for very long.

Sometimes I struggle to keep eye contact with people, but I do try. Not always, but like I said, sometimes.

What is that saying…”your eyes are the windows to your soul”? yeah..no thanks.

Eye contact is a dangerous thing, but also a beautiful thing. People speak with their eyes. People hold back tears with their eyes. People smile with their eyes.

It’s in the eyes. Always.

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Sometimes my eyes can’t hide what I am really feeling inside and that scares me. For the most part, as you all know, I am an open book. But sometimes, I am just like everyone else and there is a part of my journey that I don’t feel like sharing or a current struggle that is tied around my throat and I feel like I can’t breathe…And that is okay.

This is okay because not everyone needs to know your business. I don’t care who they are or who they were to you at one point in your life. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. If you don’t want to answer someone, then don’t. If you want to share with people, then go ahead. Follow your gut. Let’s get back to eyes.

Eyes. Physically are so beautiful. We fall in love with the eyes of others. But emotionally, I feel like the eyes of another human attract us like a magnet and pull us in so deep…we are stuck & we are lost & we are unsure of what to do. At least that’s how I feel about it.

It’s really quite simple. Eye contact is more intimate than any words could ever be. Eyes are never quiet. Eyes talk even when you can’t make a sound. Eyes never lie.

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Finding Hope

Were are coming up on what would have been our sweet baby’s 1st birthday so in honor of that, I wanted to share my heart with all of you. Friends, family, and more so those who have or are currently struggling with losing a baby, this is for you. This post is about how I am finding hope in the midst of the worst (& longest) season in my life so far.

It has been ridiculously hard. I never EVER imagined myself being in the season that I am in…I never EVER imagined myself going through what I am going through. You always hear stories of it happening to others and you have compassion towards them and their situations, but then you move on and it’s over and done with. It’s over and done with until it happens to you and it is YOUR story.

The truest thing that I’ve heard is that, “You don’t know what it’s like until it happens to you.”  & holy mama is that SPOT ON.

Now, I know. I know what it’s like to be so excited that you’re pregnant. I know what it’s like running into the bedroom to show your husband that positive test. I know what it’s like to go to your first ultrasound, and second, and third, & so on. I know what it’s like to go shopping for your new baby. I know what it’s like to sit there as the doctor tells you that there is no heartbeat. I know.

I know what it’s like to hear those words telling you that you lost your baby. I know what it’s like when the doctor is explaining what steps are next and what will happen to your body…what will happen to your baby. I know what it’s like to zone out while everything going on around you continues. I know what it’s like when the people around you continue talking to you, but you don’t hear a thing. I know.

I know what it’s like when your body doesn’t do what it is supposed to and you feel like a failure. I know what it’s like to take multiple medications for years, hoping they are the answers. I know what it’s like to spend thousands of dollars (& this is just the beginning) while trying. I know what it’s like to be disappointed, again and again. I know.

I know what it’s like to watch everyone around you become pregnant. I know what it’s like to see the birth announcements and just cry. I know what it’s like to hear others fawning over their new babies. I know what it’s like to question and doubt. I know what it’s like to feel sorry for myself and my husband. I know what it’s like, I do.

But you know what? I know what it’s like to learn to trust God. I know what it’s like to worship while we are waiting. I know what it’s like to sit in His presence & be comforted. I know what it’s like to personally believe in the promises of God. I know what He is like, so I know it will be okay. I know that He is faithful, loving, and victorious. He has overcome, and as will I. He is a good, good Father.

So friends, family, & my fellow miscarriage mommas; This is how I am finding hope in the midst of of the worst (& longest) season in my life so far. This is how I am fighting every day to wake up and get out of bed. This is how I am believing for our future children, our family. I am holding onto my faith, I am trusting God.

It is hard, very hard, BUT when you can’t necessarily see what God is doing or when it will happen for you, you can trust that His heart is good, His intentions are good and he has the very best in store for you.

We grieve with HOPE. (1 Thessalonians 4:13)FullSizeRender (7)

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In a rush?

Hey guys! Ever feel super exhausted in the morning, don’t want to put make up on, but you do at the same time because you want to feel somewhat human throughout the day? You know the feeling I’m talking about? The one where coffee doesn’t completely change your persona.

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I totally feel the same sometimes. Well most of the time. Ok…actually EVERY morning.

So here it is! I am sharing with you my get ready morning routine when I really don’t want to. But I do at the same time.

 

Primer, moisturizer, & liquid foundation

When in a rush, I don’t have time to put on my moisturizer, primer, and then foundation. Make sure the night prior you wash your face and moisturize. In the morning I mix my primer and liquid foundation and apply.

–Under eye concealer & eye cream– (Optional, but probably needed..let’s be real.)

Powder & Bronzer

Apply your powder (setting/translucent or foundation) with a big face brush

Then apply your bronzer (not to contour, but to bronze/warm up your face)

Eyebrow Gel & Concealer

Girl, you need some eyebrows.

Mascara/ & or Lashes

Don’t look like a walking zombie, add some life to your lashes!

If you would like to see my “10 minute Makeup” then head on over to my YouTube channel!

AnxiousBeauty YouTube

Thank you for reading! Talk to you all soon!

 

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