Can I uninstall these?

Emotions are gross. How do I uninstall them?

You can’t. Unfortunately. You have to feel them.

If you ignore them, that doesn’t mean that they just up and leave. They remain. They will resurface. They will haunt you.

You can’t go around it. You can’t go over it. You can’t go under it. You have to go through it.

Grab a notebook and a pen, grab your cell phone and open up your notes, grab your laptop and type it out. Go for a walk or a run, scream into a pillow, or eat a brownie.

Face it head on, push through, and then you’ll be stronger than before.

On the other side of that fear is a testimony.

While I am over here typing away and giving you advice, I am trying to take it myself. Boy, it is difficult. 

Let’s get real for a moment since we are talking about feelings. While I was on antidepressants for quite some time, I was numb. Literally. I couldn’t become overly upset (easily), I couldn’t express my compassion (as much), I couldn’t cry (like ever). Everything was so suppressed for so long and it seemed, after awhile, to be the new me.

I decided one day (again) to say adios to my meds. I was literally unstable. I didn’t know how to control anything, I wasn’t used to it. Tears. Frustrations. Anger. Sadness. It was scary. 

I felt so crazy. But I learned how to (mostly) live my every day life and become sane…as much as one could anyway.

But sometimes…those episodes still make an appearance and sometimes I sink back into that hole.

Emotions are a part of life. Feelings can be absolutely wonderful and sometimes absolutely dreadful. So, no, you can’t get rid of them & you can’t ignore them. But don’t worry, you’re not alone in this. You are not alone. *I try & remind myself*

Falling into Depression

By: Zarina Situmorang

Some days are hard…REALLY hard…when you’re battling severe depression and high anxiety. When you are trying to get better. When you’re surrounded by others who have NO IDEA what it is like. People who tell you that you don’t make any sense. People who tell you to get over it. People who think you are being over-dramatic. People who think you are not being reasonable. People who don’t “believe” it. People who try to compare theirs to yours. No.

They just do not understand.

There are different levels of depression. Different levels of anxiety. This is a mental illness. This is NOT a choice or a temporary mood that will fade away in an hour. For those who don’t understand…just be compassionate. Be patient. Be there. Just be there.

You can’t help in any other way, so just…be there.

Mental illness is not what this post was initially about, but that’s where it went. Mental illness is such a taboo in today’s society. It needs to be talked about and not shoved into a corner to be ignored and forgotten about. It is real & it is destroying your loved ones. Stop brushing it off as if it is nothing. Falling off your bike and getting a scraped knee is nothing. Falling into severe depression and wanting to die is NOT nothing.

Anyway, thanks for reading this rant. I know I will get better and be in remission longer than a couple months. I know my day and my week will get better. I know this because God is faithful. In my waiting, I am resting in trusting Him.

I hope your week is fantastic & filled with joy.

 

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Scared thoughtless

I believe that one of the scariest things is when you are afraid of who you think you are becoming or not knowing who you are at all. Thankfully, you are not becoming “that” person and eventually, you’ll know exactly who you are. Hold on, tight.

You were going through a season, a season where your mind had shifted into a downwards spiral, a season that has (or will soon) finally come to an end. You’ll see the light again, friend.

At a time when you’re consumed with feelings of grief, anger, loneliness, hurt, and severe pain; you are no longer yourself. You think things that are not like “you”, you say things that are not like “you”, and you do things that are not like “you”.

Coming up from that is beautiful. It’s like hiking for miles and miles just to reach the top of the mountain and being able to rest as the sun comes up. You’ve been hiking, you’ve been out of breath, you’ve wanted to give up, you’ve had thoughts that you would never make it…BUT you made it. Now sit and rest while God pours out his peace.

You did it, friend. You should be proud of what you’ve overcome. It can be extremely difficult, but it is so worth it.

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Sometimes we go through things that change us immensely and sometimes we go through things that shift our thinking ever so slightly. Either way, everything that you go THROUGH changes YOU.

I know that if I had not gone through the things that I have gone through in my life [so far], I would have a harder time forgiving as quickly, loving as deeply, and caring (or not caring) as much as I do now. Life is too short.

Don’t be afraid to be who you are. Don’t let others bully you into being who they think you should be. Don’t let rules confine your personality and the words you speak. You are unique and your individuality is needed in this world. YOU are needed in this world.

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When I finally realized that I was free to be myself, my whole world was flipped upside down. Everything that I once “knew” was changed. I didn’t have to listen to what others said about me, or listen when they told me how I should act & live my life, or allow them to treat me as a doormat. They bullied me into making me feel as if I had to play by their rules. Well, if anyone knows me, they probably are thinking that, that doesn’t sound like Dani at all. It was. I allowed others to make me feel horrible about myself & everything I came in contact with. So with all that being said..let me reintroduce myself. Hi, my name is Dani & I’m going to laugh when I want to laugh. I’m going to sing when I want to sing. I’m going to cry when I want to cry. & as for all of those people who “think” they can belittle me, shame me, hurt me, etc…I have news for you:::THIS Dani won’t allow it anymore. ~@anxiousbeauty

Awhile back, I had shut myself off when I was around certain people, I acted the way they saw fit, and I did everything I thought was expected of me. I did everything BUT express my true self.

My family was camping one weekend and we were sitting around the fire. My brother said something that really hit me hard, I felt it in my soul. Although to him, he was just talking..this moment was the turning point for me. I realized that I had been hiding who I was around certain people and I was allowing them to tell me who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to act.

Ever since then, I realized that I needed to love myself more and that I needed to be myself, more.

Remember who you are. Be what you think is the best version of YOURSELF. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are. & lastly…you do you, boo.

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it’s okay to take off the mask

Being vulnerable is a scary thing. Really scary. Like seriously, you’re putting your heart…basically your whole being out there, and just like that you don’t know what people will do with it. You literally have no control over the outcome. & that is okay.

So many people wear this “mask” day in and day out. Others then perceive that those “masks” are “normal” and that is how your life should be. That is how YOU should be.

No, THAT is unrealistic and so frustrating. Someone needs to be real…or at least do their very best to be real.

Everyone needs a few flaws to make them real…or in my case, PLENTY of flaws. & that is okay.

As for myself, I really love getting to know the deepest parts of people. I love listening to others, watching them, and just being with them. (Don’t make this weird, haha).Recently I have found that I am starting to appreciate people for all that they are.

Have you ever just looked at someone while they are driving in their car, alone, singing at the top of their lungs without a care in the world? No masks in sight here.

How about just sitting and listening to someone speak and falling in love with what they are saying? The genuineness and vulnerability of people is something that makes my heart throb. No masks required here.

Now, don’t get me wrong, guard your heart as you see fit. This is also important. But don’t miss out on the bare face, no mask, intimacy that you can experience with others.

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“She threw away all of her masks, and put on her soul.”

So try something a little different today, go ahead and leave your mask on the floor in the corner of your room. Go look in the mirror and give yourself a little pep talk. Smile, take a deep breath, and go start your day! Let me know how it goes! It can be a little difficult at first but it will be SO worth it.

Sending lots of love your way, today!

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That is not {love} it is abuse.

“The words you speak become the house you live in”…or in this case, the words he spoke became the house she was trapped in.

Day in and day out. Year after year. Her mind was filled with the words he spoke, the words he yelled. The words that he was speaking into her life, the ones that caused fear in her every time the phone rang or the door opened. The lies and the chaos had started to impact more than just her mind, it had damaged her heart, and eventually, it had damaged her entire being.

You are constantly being destroyed but yet you find yourself constantly apologizing. Every. Single. Time.

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But, you’re in love? Yes? How many scars did you justify because you loved the man or woman who was hurting you? How many times did you dismiss a situation because it “won’t happen again”? How many times did you say that you’ll be alright? That things would get better? Ask yourself, how many times? More than once? That is enough.

You are worth MORE than you have been told. YOU are valuable. You are beautiful. You are a good person. You have a big heart. You are loved…sadly, you are not loved by this person, BUT you are loved by many others. You are cherished…sadly, you are not cherished by this person, BUT you are cherished by many others.

Be honest with yourself, brutally and completely honest. What do YOU want? Do you want to live the rest of your life this way, or not? Only you can change your situation. What you allow…is what will continue. (We’ve all heard this a thousand times, but it is SO true and sometimes we just need a little reminder!)

Ladies and gentlemen…you deserve nothing less than what God has for you. Honestly, do you think God would want you to be with someone like this? Definitely not. He loves you. Please believe that He has more for you. The very best for you.

Do your heart a favor, turn around & leave. Your heart is too big to be treated small.

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To the person reading this:::If you have ever been in a situation where you were the victim of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse…please reach out and get help. Tell someone. 

To the person reading this:::If you’re wondering how life can get better after this, or how hope can flow through your veins after someone has drained you of everything…I have one answer for you. Jesus.

To the person reading this:::I am sorry. I am so sorry. Please KNOW this is NOT your fault. None of it is. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. (Normal people do not go around destroying others or hurting others). I understand what it is like. I have been in your shoes. (Unfortunately, in all 4 cases.) I know you’re hurting & I know that these situations are extremely difficult. You should have never been treated this way. If you were meant to be controlled by others you would have surely come into this world with a remote. You are not a punching bag nor a soccer ball. You are not something or someone to be taken advantage of. You should not have had to go through this. You should not be going through this. You should never feel that you are undesirable and useless. You are not a disappointment. I love you and I am here for you. ALWAYS.

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I am so thankful that I got out of those situations and found a wonderful man who loves me and treats me how a man should. I wish this for you as well.

Friend, I hope you find yourself again. Your laugh. Your smile. Your passions and dreams. I hope that they shine through you more than ever. You deserve to be fully loved. Every single piece of you, because you are worth it. 

Please remember that being hurt does NOT make you any less beautiful. 

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IF NEEDED:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Website:CLICK HERE
*I can also recommend a great place to go for counseling/therapy. Please do not hesitate to ask.*

Please know that this post is to empower others who need to read this. I did not write this for others to “pity” me or to “feel sorry” for me, I did not go into much detail about myself because I am not making this all about me. This post is for YOU. I care about you. 

*Photos courtesy of Pinterest. Will be updating pictures.*

it’s a new day.

So the past 11 months –yes it has already been 11 months since we lost our baby– have been a series of roller coasters to say the least. Like if there was something 100x crazier than Six Flags..it would be those kinds of roller coasters.

I went from a deep depression, to acting out, cutting people out, and..some days..hating what I had become. I was doing things that I NEVER would have done. Ever.

My mind literally took over in the worst way. I let the devil win. I finally woke up one day and decided NO MORE. I surrendered it all to God. I needed Him so much. I was afraid of myself.

I had tried my best to get back on track again and to pay attention to what was going on around me and inside of me and how I reacted to certain situations and people.

I had to shift my focus, shift it to Him. As I did this, my completely vulnerable self was terrified of what was going to happen. BUT I knew God was in control and that He wouldn’t look away when I cried out to Him. Instead, He looked straight towards me and promised He wouldn’t leave.

I finally am happy where I am at and I feel like MYSELF. I am getting the help I need and I have the love and support from my family and friends. I am so very thankful to have such amazing people in my life who never give up on me. These people who believe in me, help me believe in myself.

 

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It’s a new day. It’s a new season.

REMEMBER: There is healing and victory in your story.

I would love to hear your stories, send me a message!

Until next time friends, sending my love your way.

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4.25.

It was a Tuesday in April. The 18th actually.

I [finally] had an appointment to speak with a counselor.  I waited SO long…I just couldn’t do it. I finally admitted to myself that “I didn’t want to talk to anyone”.

I came to a realization that I lied to myself and made myself believe that I was “strong” and I had moved on.

Almost a year later, I stopped lying to myself.

It wasn’t “strong” of me to let myself and others believe that I had dealt with what happened, that I had moved forward, & that I had healed from it all. It was weak. I stuffed my emotions down deep inside of me and let them fester and it only got worse. Way worse. It wasn’t “strong” of me to try and run away from my feelings, my hurt.

I was afraid. So very afraid.

I was afraid to start seeing someone and talking about my “feelings” and how to cope. I was afraid to accept it.

I figured that if I continued on then eventually I would just be fine one day and not need to ever confront it.

Boy oh boy was I wrong. Things became so difficult. I hated it so much. It was so hard. & it was not only hard for me but it was hard for my loved ones to see me this way.



Let’s get back to the 18th. I woke up that morning and got ready and headed over to have some tea with my mother-in-law before my appointment.

I left to go to my appointment and arrived at the location. I got out of my car and headed towards the building. I was lost. There were so many different places to go and I just could not find the one that the woman had named in the previous e-mail.

Long story short…I was in the wrong city, at the wrong place. I missed my appointment. I was so frustrated. I had waited SO LONG and then nothing.

I got back into the car and called the woman who makes the schedules at the office. She said the next available was April 25th. I scheduled it.

As I was driving it hit me. April 25th. My heart dropped. But then I knew it was God. He had a plan and He had a purpose for it all.

April 25th, 2016 I had taken that pregnancy test and it was positive.

This just gave my appointment so much more meaning. Wow.



I woke up the morning of April 25th, 2017 and I got ready for work. (Which really means I threw on some clothes, grabbed my bags, and left). I left work early to head to my appointment. Last week when I was heading to my appointment I had crazy anxiety, but this time, I didn’t really have any.

I parked, grabbed my purse, and headed towards the building.

As I reached the top of the staircase and opened the doors to the office, I was proud of myself for how strong and brave I was being.

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**I have been talking about seeing a counselor for a LONG time…I just never did.**

I was afraid that I was going to open up to someone, a complete stranger, and then have to find another…if I didn’t like this one. I did not want to do that. This was hard enough for me to do this in the first place.

We had our 1 hour session. I had found my person. I was so happy that this was it. I was looking forward to my next appointment.

God is good and He knows who we need and when we need them. 

I am looking forward to this next season in my life and all of the growth and healing that will be happening in my heart.

I did want to [informally] thank all of my family and friends who have been here for me, continuously supporting and loving me. Thank you for not giving up on me and for being there for me the only way you knew how. I appreciate you all.

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Is the light on?

What are the things in your life that make you happy to be alive?


the sunrise and sunset
my dog and my cats
jesus
my husband
my family
my car
my house
the smell of my hair
my perfume
cold crisp morning air
hot chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon on top
tacos and doughnuts
my parents dogs
getting my nails done
writing
warm chocolate chip cookies
singing and playing the guitar & piano
decorating
my best friends
soft blankets

Take the time to stop and be happy where you are at. Exactly where you are at. Take the time to live in the present. Don’t worry about anything that happened yesterday, last week, or a couple months ago.

**This is not to disregard anything that HAS happened in the past, but more so to encourage you to move forward & not let your life pass you by while you wallow in past situations.**

It’s difficult, but possible. & if you need me, I am always here, friends. Always. 

Take a deep breath, and smile.

As of lately I have begun to do things for myself. Things that make me feel free and happy. It is quite blissful, really.

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Taking the time to actually do what I want to do, what I really want to do makes me happy. Taking care of myself makes me happy.

What is something that you do every single day, without fail? Is this something that benefits your joy? Is it something that turns the light on inside of you? What would happen if you added a little something to your daily schedule that made you smile? Something that made you laugh?

Whatever makes you happy, I would like to encourage you to write it down. Make a list just as I have. Focus on you, focus on the good in your life, and focus on the things that make you happy.

Life is hard. We could all use a helping hand every so often. We could all use a compliment here and there. We could all use some more smiles and laughs in our day to day lives. We could all use some more love.

Remember this today, tomorrow, and every morning when you get ready to start your day.

Until next time friends…

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