Heavy

She had a pretty face, a nice smile, a cute laugh, but she had some of the saddest eyes you’d ever seen.

She wondered day in and day out if she would ever feel true happiness ever again. She woke up in the morning and her brain immediately started reliving the things from yesterday, the day before and the day before that. She was reminding herself of conversations and overthinking every little piece of them. She was doubting herself and telling herself that they didn’t really care about her. She had so much weight upon her shoulders and she would not let it go. She was exhausted.

She gets ready for bed and lays wide awake for hours on end because her brain will not shut off. She takes a handful of sleeping pills hoping they will silence the demons inside. She falls asleep, she thinks she is finally safe and able to dream of a reality that is so far beyond her reach. No. Instead, she has nightmares reliving some of the most painful parts of her life. She wakes up in a cold sweat, screaming, only to find herself alone in her bed with nothing but a few extra pillows surrounding her and blankets on the cold floor.

This was heavy. It was constant. It was painful.

Sometimes amongst the confusion and all of the commotion, she can find somewhere to rest. At least for a little while. During that time of rest, things don’t feel as heavy, and she can take that deep breath again.